Donald Winnicott, a leader in attachment theory and research, coined the term “good enough mother” to help alleviate the parenting pressure to be perfect for our children. This pressure to be perfect, causes issues for both the parent and child as explained by Carla Naumburg in the article entitled, “The Gift of the Good Enough Mother,” Good enough parenting involves meeting enough of the child’s attachment needs by caring for basic physical and emotional needs in order to create a pure environment of safety and love. When we can do this for our children they are able to better tolerate and forgive our very human imperfections.
Throughout the past 7 years of supporting families and coaching parents during moments of crisis and the complexities of relationship with their children, adolescents, and young adults, I continue to come back to the idea of what it means to be good enough. I’ve built a career helping parents navigate heartbreaking moments in raising their children such as failure-to- launch patterns in emerging adults, addiction challenges, and robust mental health struggles. As a witness to these hardships, I’ve been constantly reminded of my sphere of influence in raising my own children. The term good enough mother offers me a lot of comfort while raising a 2.5 year old prone to big emotions in a world that is constantly changing. Giving myself permission to be good enough, affords me grace when I lose my patience, yell, or breakdown in my own tears right alongside his toddler emotions. Good enough offers me a goal for parenting that feels attainable. What exactly is good enough parenting? Dr. Dan Siegel, another leader in attachment theory research, asserts the importance of balancing nurture and structure, ideally in a 50/50 ratio. I believe this balancing act is the key to being a good enough parent and creating an environment of safety and love for our children regardless of their age.
Structure means the rhythm, routine and boundaries we set in our households and lives that help our children know how to exist within our home and in relationship to us. When done well, this can help create predictability and safety for our children as well as teach them how to participate in healthy relationships outside of the family system. As parents, it’s important that we clearly establish our limits, household rules, and consequences so that our children know what is expected and the outcome if those boundaries are violated. The structure part of the balancing act is what helps establish safety for our children. When we know where the fence is and can trust that it’s sturdy, we are free to explore everything inside the fence without fear.
Nurture is the relationally yummy stuff, having equal importance to structure.. This is the connection we inherently have with our children by nature of being parents. Throughout time and challenging experiences, we may have felt disconnected and unsure of how to offer nurture to our child, but finding a way to make relational reaches even in the hardest moments is essential to creating an environment of love and emotional safety. This can happen through the tone of our voice and facial expressions, through empathy, playfulness, and curiosity. Through nurture, we have the power to let our children know, “you are valued, you are seen, you are loved”.
The 50/50 balance between nurture and structure is important because too much of an imbalance can result in extreme parenting. Structure without nurture can create an authoritative parenting style resulting in relational disconnects, secrecy, and rebellion. Nurture without structure can result in a co-dependent and enabling relationship that doesn’t encourage our children to develop their own skills, resilience, and independence. Of course we will rarely, if ever, be 100% balanced. We may notice we have a tendency toward more nurture and less structure (I fall into this category) and therefore need to actively introduce more structure into our parenting with intention. Good enough parenting is the practice of finding balance and the dance of noticing when we are out of balance and bringing intention to our interactions with our children to help re-center. It is not an easy dance when you factor in our own stressors, emotions, family of origin stories, and personal wounds. However it is a dance that can allow us to be the secure base that our child needs while facing the challenges of everyday life.